Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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