Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
