see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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