Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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