I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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