So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
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I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
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Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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