he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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