I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
