god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
