That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
