I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
