M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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