goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Enjoy the penises
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
