i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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