haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
