then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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