It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
why is half of my head shaved?
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