fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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