Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
