Your face is a jimmy john
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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