Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
