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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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