This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
