He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
