I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
