At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
