3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No stitches, just platelets and will power
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
