i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
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how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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