did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
