your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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