So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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