After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
