I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Randomize
