Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think people are normalizing furries
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
