I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
where are my eyebrows?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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