She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
