U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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