she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
ok first of all what the fuck
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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