Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So apparently I’m into choking now
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