I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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