Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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