It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
