i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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