I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
