He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
