I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
