I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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