Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
