everyone is single if you try hard enough
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
