dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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