my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Everything about him screamed your future.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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