Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
