I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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