Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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