You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
