Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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