I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
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He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
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It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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